Why do we hate schools/players just because they are good? Obviously we hate Ohio State because the state is flat, environmentally unimaginative, they have horrible drivers, America’s worst cities, and obnoxious fans, but why do we hate USC, PSU, and Tim Tebow? Well personally I don’t hate any of those, but for the majority of people it is a combination of the fact that they are really good and that the media is mindlessly obsessed with them. That’s why people were jumping for joy when Tebow got knocked into the next millennium. It might even explain why after that hit, my buddy sarcastically quipped “The real losers here are the little children in South America that still need foreskin clipped”, but honestly that’s just inappropriate (yet I peed my pants when I heard that). I guess the relativity of humor just Depends . . . I am sooo pun-ny.
Random observation: If you’re on the right hash and kicking a field goal, and the FG goes straight ahead, thus missing right, why do we say the kicker “pushed it”? Shouldn’t the ball actually have to go to the right to be considered a push? Should Michael Wilbon be involved to consider it a push? Do I sound like that soccer mom in the stands who asks annoying questions right now?
Marshall’s Inferiority complex: I am relatively new to the idea that Marshall has fans. It’s a part of living in Charleston I guess. Honestly I do not wish ill on Marshall, and hope they win their games outside of losing to us, yet I glean slight humor out of their losses. However, what perplexes me is the intense little man complex they possess. They hate WVU with an unrealistic passion, yet they refuse to talk smack on WVU outside of Huntington (which is because they have very little to say). What the hell is up with that??? I will gladly remind an Ohio state fan that their mascot, the Fighting Poisonous Nuts, wouldn’t strike fear into the heart of Snuffaluffagus. I will always remind them that their CAPS was accidentally selected when they typed “THE Ohio State” (does the entire state have keyboard malfunctions?), and I take great pride in enlightening them to the fact that their beloved ‘Dotted I’ is a simply a lesson in cursive, which most of us learned in second grade. Herd Nation, I am calling you out and let me incite some more, I was at your homecoming last year and quite frankly, Davis & Elkins would be embarrassed by that.
Clemson. I cannot believe it is week 5 and I haven’t called out Clemson yet. I hate calling out coaches this early in their career, but Yaba Dabo Do Swinney has not looked great so far. Clemson looks like the same old story: great talent, great games, shameful losses. Sorry Karissa, but football, the bugs in your apartment, and life are all tough. Really, as a whole, the ACC is dreadfully bad.
Trainer’s Tailgating Corner
We hope everyone’s week off from the Blue Lot proved to be successful. Your endurance (drinking endurance, of course) will be put to the test on Thursday night! As being proud Moutaineers, we think that it is only fit that our signature move should be the Mountain Climber. This will be a nice warm-up to improve blood flow through the liver – yet another way to enhance your drinking endurance.
None of us can possibly forget the ultimate 80’s dance move called “The Running Man,” but the year 2009 shall be the year of “The Drinking Man.” For this exercise, a full beer is required! Stand with your feet shoulder width apart with your beer in your right hand. As you raise your left knee like you are marching, turn your torso to the left. Then, take a drink. As you return to starting position, switch your beer to your left hand. Repeat to the right. This will not only engage core muscles to aid in alcohol digestion, but also improve skills needed to pass a field sobriety balance test! [Editor’s note: We do expect everyone to break out “The Running Man” after “The Drinking Man”!!]
Finally, some of us may have to go to work in the morning. Rehydration is the key! After extensive research, we were able to find a scientific study performed at Granada University proving the beer is a superior choice for hydration. The beer had a slightly better effect on hydrating people than water. The carbonation helped quench thirst, while the glucose in the beer would help retain liquid in the body to rehydrate the body quicker. It only seems like a natural conclusion that we should all skip the water and crack open a long neck on Friday morning.
One personal side note: Due to Nikki “Stretching Ain’t Easy” Sabatina’s amazing Photo Shop skills, she was able to change the date of an old wedding invitation to get excused from mandatory medical school lectures on Friday. As long as she doesn’t get called into the dean’s office between now and Thursday, she will be making a guest appearance! Mountaineer football, drinking, and Blue Lot calisthenics takes priority over medical school! See you then!
Has anyone else given thought to getting a personalized fat head? Man it would be cocky to get a fat head of yourself, but how cool would that be??? I think a picture of me in Mutts, Dublin, or maybe a controversial pose at a tailgate would be my selection. Either that or Frank Beamer punching Vince Wilfork in the head with a burning couch in the back ground, that was pretty funny . . . or any drunken picture of my former Intern; everyone who knows who I am talking about is currently laughing, sorry Mark but you are a funny F*@&.
* I have been asked to pass on a couple tidbits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irUyj0FcrA8. There has been a movement to revive this old Mountaineer chant. Please review and pass on.
* A gold rush has also been requested for Thursday's Colorado game. Please come supporting your Mountaineers in your favorite Gold Bob Huggins suit.
Now that y’all are more intelligified by reading my rambles, I hope you take these EFA lessons and find a way to apply them in your own lives. Try throwing a buckeye through an Ohio State fan’s window, or when you get bored of ESPN’s prediction that a Tebow-less world will kill us all, try reading this fabulous website TeamMVPTailgatesHere. I will be driving across the country next week, which may result in a shortened email (not like this Michener novel), but I will try to apply my own morals to my life as well. I plan on stopping in South Bend on my way back from Oregon and mooning Touchdown Jesus (if you are offended by that, lets realize that it is a capitalistic mockery, not a relic). Anyway, let’s let Tim Tebow puking on the sidelines remind us all that life is short, live it, tailgate it, and talk a little smack along the way.
See ya later,
Al
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