Dear EFAs,
A week off from Mountaineer football, fall weather, games starting on Tuesday’s, Tuesday’s with Maurie, Gin with Tonic, Captain with apple cider, Captain with your Captain Crunch . . . folks were in the heart of fall and the heart of the football season and after a week off I know I’m anxious to hit the tailgating circuit again. I delegated out some work this past weekend as my associate over at the blog traveled Champaign to see how they tailgate. Check out hisexcellent analysis of how and why the Big 11 produces terrible tailgating football fans. The only secret ingredient to their repulsive tailgating he fails to mention is that they are from the Midwest, aka Middle Earth, ipso facto they are hobbits. Hobbits are terrible tailgaters. The only creature worse than a tailgating hobbit is Bill Brasky, which goes unsaid. The only non-schmuck in Ohio athletics is the former Ohio Bobcat. The only thing positive about his adventures is that he proved one of the 25 Tailgating Rules wrong; this Fighting Illini can tailgate with us whenever.
The TV schedule doesn't quite rival last week's night caps. LSU plays Florida, which we could only hope that Les Miles finds a way to out do himself again. I'm thinking instead of running out the clock to win on a third and 3 with 8 seconds left, he calls in the field goal unit, only to get it blocked. Thankfully, Brantley fumbles for Florida with .03 seconds left on the worst home field clock in history. A Jarret Lee bomb down the side lines bounces off the DB's hands, off the Refs head, and into Ruben Randle's hands. Much like an old school McDonald's commercial. Probably the best game on, will not be watched by anyone with a pulse, due to the fact that it conflicts with WVU's massacre of the higher education of Vegas. Bama vs South Carolina is worth a Tivo. However, make sure you tune into Nebraska versus Kansas State tomorrow night for a couple Big 12 undefeated teams. I don't give KSU much credit, especially cause their coach looks like the professor from Futurama, but I gotta hope Pelini's crew chokes. I mean seriously, is this team that good? One damn offense explosion last year and a host of terrible teams this year has everyone believing their offense is as nasty as their defense. I will give them this, their defense is as nasty as their coach is looking, which is impressive.
Not much to say about the Mountaineer’s this week. At this point I am ready to put Baton Rouge in the past and move onto, eh yea um, UNLV. Not exactly an exciting follow-up. At least we renew a series with Skip “Don’t call me Sweet Lou” Holtz for a Thursday night matchup next week. Not to look past the Rebels, but they are terrible. I expect us to come in somewhere just below the line at +27.5, probably in the 24-25 range. It would be nice to see the running game get rolling again.
I am excited about my return to the tailgate though. Due to some unfortunate family circumstances I missed the Maryland game, but from everything I heard in the weeks to follow, the crew represented well without their fearless email writer. They even invented a new way to ingest beer! This new technique involves a Paint Stick . . . yep a paint stick. You apparently fill the paint stick with beer and pull the trigger ejected ambrosia straight to your esophagus in a manner that is much easier than a beer bong. The thought reminds me of a time long ago in college. We were walking through Lowes and this old couple (probably late thirties), were having an argument about something that old people argue about, probably light fixtures. We quietly walked by with 8 foot of tubing and funnel trying not to disturb them, when the man turns in a rage of fury and proclaims “and these guys are building a beer bong!” Never graduate EFAs, never graduate.
Just as a reminder on that note, the tailgate did move this year, much to the dismay of some my coworkers in the Blue Lot who no longer get to see us "Sing, dance, and are merry". Very politically correct description. Instead of describing our location, I have attached a Rand McNalley map.
Speaking of the Holtz family, I wonder what Dr. Lou will bring out next week? He was the curse against USF before and we all know he loves Skip for some ridiculous reason. I predict that he will do his magic trick for the 45th time.
Random Musings
Personally I find Les “The Mad Hatter” Miles amusing. The constant drama he provides is incredibly intriguing for being in a conference mired in tradition. The SEC does a great job of mixing up its unrelenting history with amusing coaches. I hope they keep winning and in equally terrible fashion as they did against Tennessee. I am now calling it the Bayou Voodoo.
We have some results from last week’s review of my new look and by a one point victory, the Mike Leech look narrowly edges out the fine suspender wearing, pipe smoking visage of Howard Schnellenberger. I was hoping it would come down to these two as they are both my hero’s. After acclimating my look to Mike Leech, I will begin to take his dating advice. My tried and true box of wine and Milk Steak dinner hasn’t been cutting the cheese lately.
People are going Cat Scratch Fever over the Wolverines and their 5-0 start. I am not being a Rich Rod hater, but easy does it folks, their best wins are over a 2-3 ND team and Indiana. They also barely beat Umass. With a red hot Michigan State team, Iowa, and Penn State on the horizon, they’re about to be in a Stranglehold. Not saying they cannot win some of those, but I would definitely be looking to bet against them until the line corrects itself (-4.5 this wknd).
Speaking of Cat Scratch Fever, my mom's cat recently died. She emailed me after the tragic event and I would to share a portion of her email with you. The first paragraph was the typical death of a pet, remorseful email. The end though, goes like this "She is now resting comfortably below ground behind the garage. Hopefully her ghost will enjoy terrorizing the woodchucks living under the garage.." Bear in mind our cat was a meaner son of a bitch than Bill Brasky.
I have no affiliations, but how much fun is it watching Oregon play? It’s like Rich Rod’s offense but they throw the ball almost as much as they run it. The only thing more amusing are the Oregon flavored ESPN commercials.
A couple milestones in The Email history this week; we have finally cracked the 100 recipient mark. We also got our first compliment from a Marshall fan last week. I new they would come around eventually.
Yours truly took a step forward this week, picking up a game on each of the swine that I compete against. However; I had a terrible start this week as I took the second half line in the West Chester v East Stroudsburg replay that was coterminous with MNF. Apparently East Stroudsburg thought it would be cool to play prevent defense to screw me out of a cover. Point shaving is a serious crime kiddos, even if it is Division 2 and two days after the game ended. That bull shit cost me a bet of two Pabst Blue Ribbons.
Enjoy the weekend folks,
Al
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